nut hugger
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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