I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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