Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
i wish my penis had a tongue
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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