woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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