Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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