Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need to sanitize my soul.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
