because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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