Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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