Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
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