And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
