So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
