I have demons in me.
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
