She is in my trunk
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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