does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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