textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
Boobs are out for the taking
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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