she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
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