I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
How does one acquire holy water?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
