I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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