Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize