Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Randomize
