Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
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