Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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