batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
Randomize
