Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Randomize