you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
