im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
