Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
