I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
