dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Randomize