You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
