thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
