I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
