His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
