actually, I'm a sock model
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
