you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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