it cannot be done, he is unbreakable.
What?
..he cannot be seduced..she had to have roofied him.
Details.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize