3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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