Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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