apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
