she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
