My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
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