Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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