I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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