apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
