New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize