I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
