On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
