if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
My cat gives me a boner
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
