i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I just forgot I was standing up.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
