She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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