so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
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