Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
