it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
