you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I can't put those talents on a resume
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
Randomize
