Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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