News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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