Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
