I think I won the penis lottery.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
