I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
