Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
We left the knife in your bed.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
