This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The struggles of a small town man whore
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
