All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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