We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
