she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
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