FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Randomize
