There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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