you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
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