My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Randomize
