you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
