I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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