Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Randomize
